


Tell Her

by ununoriginal



Category: LUNA SEA
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-03-14
Updated: 1999-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununoriginal/pseuds/ununoriginal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh tell her, 你是爱我，不会离开我。。。</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The moment he stepped out of the car, he was surrounded by flashing bulbs and demanding questions, microphones shoved rudely in his face in flagrant disregard of whether he wanted to speak at all.  Then his four bodyguards closed ranks around him and there was a tiny reprieve from the rabid reporters as he was jostled into his apartment building.  Normally, they would have taken their leave after seeing him there, but today they rode with him in the elevator to the floor where his suite was, for fear that some absurdly tenacious individual was lying in wait outside his door, ambushing him the moment he arrived.  But thankfully, the whole level was deserted, and after a perfunctory glance through his rooms, they left.

Leaving him with an eerie, echoing silence that unnerved him even more than all the media’s accusations had.

He sank down on the couch, determinedly _not_ looking out the balcony at the milling crowd of reporters below, and listened to the messages left on his answering machine.  Few people had access to his private line, so he was spared from more complete strangers asking, prying, yet he knew it was only a matter of time before they dug it out.  His mind was a blank as the messages played, only grasping the awkward concern infusing the voices, giving their support, expressing their own confusion. 

What was going on?

Why had it happened again?

Was it… true, then?

He laughed, the bitter sound threaded with despair. 

_I don’t know… I don’t know if I can do this anymore…_

The machine beeped again as it played its last message.

“I… it’s me.  I… I need to talk to you.  Please, call me when you get back.”

The machine beeped again and went silent.

But he couldn’t talk yet – couldn’t even think properly.  He closed his eyes, pulling the darkness around him tightly.  If everything could just go away, even for a little while…

***  
   
The doorbell rang, distracting him from his latest session of staring into thin air.  Reluctantly, he unfolded himself from the couch and went to open the door, already having half an idea of who was on the other side.

“Hi, Sugi,” Ryu said tentatively, looking relieved that Sugi had opened the door.  “Um… can I come in?”  
   
Realising he was blocking the entrance, Sugi wordlessly stepped aside and gestured towards the interior of his apartment.  Nervously, Ryu removed his shoes and stepped inside, not entirely sure whether he was in Sugi’s good graces.

Following him in, Sugi left Ryu hovering uncertainly on the edge of the couch while he entered the kitchen and re-emerged with two beers.  Tossing one to Ryu, he asked, “What do you want, Ryu?”

Ryu flinched at the cold distance in his voice, setting down the can unopened.  “Are… are you still mad at me?”

Sugi raised his gaze to Ryu’s for a fleeting moment, then looked away angrily, disgusted at himself for feeling his heart soften as he saw the barely restrained panic lurking in Ryu’s eyes.  “Mad?  Why should I be mad?”  His voice was calm, nearly expressionless, and he sounded so reasonable.

Ryu slumped back against the cushions, despondent.

Ignoring him, Sugi continued, “Why should I be mad that I happen to be the last person in this whole goddamn world to find out you’re going to get married?”  Ryu didn’t answer, not meeting his eyes.  “And when is it going to happen?”  He glared at Ryu, snapping out the last word.  “ _When_?”

“Tomorrow,” Ryu replied meekly.

“Yes, tomorrow.  You’re going to tie the knot with… god-knows-who tomorrow, when last week, you told me you loved me… and only me…”  He trailed off, fighting to swallow the lump in his throat.  “And I would still have been under that illusion if J hadn’t mentioned it today during practice.”  He opened his beer, and took a long swallow.

“I’m sorry…”  Ryu’s small voice broke the ensuing silence.

“Why, Ryu?  I thought you loved me, that we had something…  I really did,” Sugi said softly.  “But now…”

“You hate me.”

The flatness of the tone and the utter despair it conveyed jerked Sugi into action.  He moved towards the couch and crouched down in front of Ryu, so they were face to face.  “I don’t hate you,” he said, reaching out to cup Ryu’s cheek.  “I don’t think I ever could.”

“I’m so sorry, Sugi.”  His voice didn’t even tremble, but Sugi could feel the warmth of the tears that ran over his hand where he held it against Ryu’s cheek.  “We just can’t be together… we would never have been happy…”

Sugi sank back onto the floor, not saying anything.  He couldn’t.  So that was it.  Ryu had chickened out in the end.  He was unable to take the pressure that came with two men being together.  Sugi felt the heaviness of defeat settle over him.  He realised that all along he’d been holding out the secret hope that Ryu was here to say it was all a mistake, that it was only a trick he was playing because Sugi had did something wrong.  But there was nothing Sugi could do that would ever make it right.

“Sugi?”

Sugi looked up at Ryu’s tearful face, and he wanted to scream. 

_I should be the one crying, not you!_

He slowly stood up and went to the door.  Opening it, he turned back to Ryu.  “I wish you all the best for your wedding.  I think you should go now.”

Ryu came towards him and paused in front of the doorway, looking up at him.  He raised a hand, as if to touch him, yet not daring to. 

Sugi took a step back, widening the barrier between them.

Ryu silently dropped his hand and walked out.

Sugi closed the door gently and pried his white-knuckled grip off the doorknob.  He looked around his apartment, shivering.  The place had never seemed so cold.

***

Someone was pounding on the door, pulling Sugi from the heartbreaking nightmare of that fateful evening.  He gradually came round to find himself curled up to one side of the couch.  The pounding stopped for a second, and the doorbell started ringing.  Ignoring it, he slowly sat up, pulling his coat firmly around him, trying to shake off the icy vestiges of the dream.  The pounding began again, and he stood up, heading towards the door to open it.

“Sugi!  Open up!  It’s me.”

 He froze in his tracks.

_No.  Go away.  I don’t want to see you now._

He remained where he was, not making a sound.

Ryu didn’t give up.  “Come on, Sugi.  I know you’re in there.  Please, let me in.  I really have something important to tell you.”

When no reply came back, Ryu sighed and sank down to the ground, taking out his cell phone.

Sugi was just beginning to relax when the phone suddenly rang, making him jump.  He stared at it as it rang three more times – the sound obscenely loud in the silent room – before the answering machine took over.  He was expecting the voice this time, so it didn’t shock him, though it still seemed like his heart was being clamped in a vise. 

“Sugi, I know you’re in there.  If you don’t want to see me, at least pick up the phone…  If you still love me, you’d hear me out.”

Ryu waited for a few seconds, and Sugi picked up the phone, as he knew he would.  Sugi said nothing, but he could hear the accusation nevertheless.  _That was below the belt, Ryu.  Both of us know that Sugi could never refuse you if you put it like that._   Probably, he answered himself, but he was desperate.  And compared to the other mistakes he had committed, it rated way too minor.  It might not even speed him faster into hell.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh tell her, 你已作了最好的选择。。。

I’m tired, Sugi.  Tired of all this… pretending.  Tired of having to always deny that we were once together.  The media – they never stop.  It’s the third time now, and they still pounce on this story, eager to rehash the old scandals, incessantly digging for more ‘evidence’.

Maybe they sense the core of truth under the wrap of all these lies that we’ve made up to explain it all away.  They see through the comradely facades, the forced, slightly-awkward way we always laugh off those jokes and innuendoes. 

It’s ironic, isn’t it, Sugi?  Nobody ever bothered us before.  But after I got married, they began to prey on us, while the only thing we were ever guilty of since then was _not_ being together.

I miss you.  I miss you so damn much.

So I finally decided. 

Perhaps the decision comes too late to have changed things much.  What I did has certainly left its irrevocable mark on all three of us, and nothing after can eradicate that. 

I’m sorry to Nagisa – I shouldn’t have married her, I see that now.  I hold a love for her, but it is the affection one has for a very dear friend.  In my foolish panic, I insisted it was the real thing – and took my first step into the quicksand.  And now, I’m leaving her behind with the whole bloody mess to deal with.

I’m sorry to you, too, Sugi.  Will you ever forgive me for my blindness and idiocy that brought the both of us nothing but pain?  For not listening to you.  For not wanting to believe that we could be happy together. 

Stupid me, I’ve made one big round and ended up where I started. 

I tried, you know, I truly did, and for a while, I actually thought Nagisa and I would make it.  But that illusion fell apart when the rumours started. 

Every time you say something to deny our relationship, a little part of you dies. 

How do I know that?  Because part of me dies as well.

And I refuse to let that happen anymore.  I don’t want us to carry on with this sick charade because of my cowardice.  I want us to be together again.  I want to feel your arms around me.  But I’ll understand if you can’t forgive this wilful behaviour of mine… I know the earth doesn’t turn for me. 

Still, it doesn’t matter if the rest of the world thinks I’m despicable.  I don’t give a damn.  For once, I can face myself with my head held high. 

I’m leaving, before the bog I’ve clawed out of threatens to suck me back in.  I’m going back to where it all started.  Where _we_ began.

I’ll wait for you there… if you’re going to come.

And Sugi, I’m not afraid to say it anymore.

I love you.

***

The line went dead, leaving only the dial tone, and Sugi let his hand fall, the receiver bouncing with a clatter a few feet away.  He lay back on the marble floor, staring up at the ceiling, while what Ryu had said replayed in his mind.  The coldness of the marble helped centre him, anchoring him, preventing him from being washed away by the sudden torrent of happiness that was rushing through his veins.

A happiness he should not be feeling for words that had come an eternity too late.

For a person as obstinate as he was supposed to be, he was succumbing way too fast.  Yet, he’d been a fool in all things Ryu for as long as he remembered.  _The tragedy of my life…_

He stood up and went to the window, peering out.  The bunch of reporters were still there, but they had quietened down, probably resigned that they would get no more gossip fodder that night.  _How did Ryu manage to sneak past them without being recognised?_ he wondered absently.  _No matter, if he can do it, I can do it too._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 我站在海边等著你 举行这场婚礼...

He lay on top of the surfboard, totally relaxed, in that moment of perfect stillness that always came before a good wave hit.  He drew in a deep breath, completely attuned now to the slightest tumble and roil of the waters around him.  Then the sea swelled around him and he was up and away, sliding smoothly through the waves just instants before they caved down with foam-flecked jaws.  Exhilaration shimmered inside of him, and was released in full force the moment the magic ended, and he was finally caught and swept away by the sea’s embrace.  His head emerged from the water, and he crowed in excitement, waving triumphantly to the red-haired man watching from a distance on the beach.  After his greeting was acknowledged, he hauled his board towards him and just drifted with it, until the waves eventually sent him back to the shore.  He remained there, eyes shut, just experiencing the wonderful sensation of water lapping over him gently. 

After a few minutes, a slight coolness settled over his face and a greater blackness blotted out the red-streaked darkness behind his eyelids.  Still keeping his eyes closed, he smiled.  “Did you see that, Sugi?  That must have been my best wave yet.”  The thrill he had felt still hummed within him.

“Yes… you were wonderful.”

The strangely wistful tone made Ryu open his eyes and stare up quizzically at Sugi’s face above his.  “Thanks.”  He sat up, futilely trying to brush some of the sand off himself, and grabbed his board before standing.  He glanced at Sugi, and noticed the other man’s intense gaze upon him.  “Sugi, you alright?” he asked, a little concerned.

“Hmm?” Sugi blinked as if from a sudden distraction.  “Oh… no, it’s nothing.  Do you want to go back now?”  He turned and started walking across the beach towards a wooded area where glimpses of a cabin could be seen.

Ryu shrugged and followed in Sugi’s general direction, keeping close to thewater’s edge, occasionally letting the surf foam around his ankles.  He dragged a hand through his wet hair, grimacing at how stiff the saltwater had made it, but only part of his attention was really focused on his appearance.

The flash of a dark red head in the corner of his vision brought him back to his current pondering.  Sugi had been behaving weirdly all week, starting with actually _suggesting_ a trip down to this out-of-the-way spot for Ryu to go surfing.  Normally, Sugi hated coming here, to the extent that Ryu had to physically drag him to the car once.  He had suddenly developed an uncharacteristic proneness to lapsing into long, self-absorbed silences, and sometimes didn’t even notice that he had made a mistake while practising.

What was wrong with Sugi? He wondered.  Shrugging again, he picked up his pace to catch up with his friend, deciding to talk to him about it later. 

“Hey, Sugi, wait up!”

Sugi paused in mid-stride and turned around, waiting for Ryu to reach his side.  As he often did nowadays, he felt the slight heat rushing to his cheeks, and thanked his Creator that he didn’t blush easily.  Ryu’s wet bodysuit delineated his figure perfectly.  Although he was thin, Sugi could detect the hint of muscles underneath the waterproof material.  He forcibly tore his gaze away before it could go lower.

“You know, it was a great idea for us to come down here now.  How did you know it was such a perfect time for the waves?”  Not waiting for an answer, Ryu plunged further into the one-sided conversation as Sugi walked silently next to him, repressing the urge to quiet Ryu’s mouth with his own.  He watched Ryu’s animated gestures as he spoke, and felt the unfamiliar jealousy well up that it was surfing and the sea that conferred such a glow upon Ryu, and not him.

Here, with no one to see him, lacking an audience to perform to, Ryu was at his most natural.  Much as he resented the almost magnetic pull the ocean held on Ryu, he understood that Ryu was most relaxed here.  Which was why, the master strategist inside him insisted, he had to get Ryu here before he could tell him.

And yes, tonight… tonight he would tell him.

His eyes remained fixed on Ryu as Ryu strolled back to the white foam, kicking it and sending sparkling flecks into the air with every few steps.  He savoured the by-now familiar surge of tender emotion which soon swiftly eclipsed the sour bite of envy.

***

The wind blasting in the window whipped Sugi’s hair as the truck sped along the highway.  After a while, it turned off into a narrower, unlit road.  The driver slowed down, and switched his truck’s headlights to their brightest.

“So, young man, why are you heading down this stretch anyway?” the driver, a grizzled man in his fifties, asked curiously.  “It’s nearly always deserted.  Hardly anyone knows about it.”

Sugi smiled in reminiscence.  “I’m meeting… someone important to me there.  We discovered this place years ago.  It’s great for surfing.”

“Well, that it is,” the man agreed.  “You’re lucky to have met me.  I doubt there’s anyone else going this way.”

“Yes, I’m lucky… I know that all too well,” Sugi replied, staring out at the dark shapes barely illuminated by the headlights.  
   
The truck rumbled on a little further before the driver pulled to a stop.  “This is as far as I can take you.  You’ll have to go the rest of the way on foot.”

“That’s fine.  Thanks.”  Sugi hopped down from the cab and started down the small path that would lead to the cabin where he and Ryu had stayed in when they had come down here.

_I haven’t been here for so long,_ he thought as he trudged along.  _Since Ryu got married…_

From somewhere a distance off, he could hear the crash of the surf against the shore.  The sound roused a sensation long suppressed within him, and he remembered how he used to be so resentful of the sea and its hold on Ryu, but what he was feeling now seemed to be a mere faded echo of those days gone by.

Yet, with every step he took, the pull and ebb of the tide grew louder, and with it, his emotions grew more intense as well.  _Does this mean our love could never have truly existed away from here, from this sea?  Is it still going to claim the both of us, in the end?_

The morning after he had declared his love to Ryu and they had made love, he gradually came round to Ryu staring at him with worry in his eyes.  “Ne, Sugi, what if… what if we can’t be together?” Ryu had asked anxiously.

He had laughed, so carefree and blind, so glad with the world, certain that _nothing_ could go wrong, for what could possibly be not fine when he loved Ryu, and Ryu loved him back?  “If that happens, we’ll come back here and walk into the sea…”

It had suited his sense of the morbid and dramatic, but he had never figured on morbid drama playing an actual role in their lives.

A lighted window came into his sight, and his steps faltered for the barest instant before he strode forward even more briskly.  When he reached the cabin, the door was slightly ajar, the yellow rays from the light bulb spilling onto the wooden steps leading to the doorway.  He slowly climbed them, nerves getting strung tighter with every step.

It was an anticlimax then when he finally pushed open the door completely to find the building deserted.

He crossed to the other side of the room and peered out the window facing the ocean.  The breath he had been unconsciously holding streamed out in a small sigh of relief when he saw the black figure silhouetted against the fainter darkness of the sky sitting on top of a boulder, staring out at sea.  A small smile tugging the corner of his mouth, he pulled a chair up to the window and sat there, gazing out while he waited for Ryu to return.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 我们走向深深海里 看著彼此眼睛...

He awoke to the feel of trembling fingers running over his face and lips.  He shifted slightly, and the fingers were abruptly withdrawn with a gasp.  The feeling of loss prompted his eyes to open, to see Ryu looking back at him almost disbelievingly.

“You’re here,” he whispered, amazement in his voice. 

“I thought you were waiting for me.  Didn’t you want me to come?”  Even at this time, the devil in him couldn’t resist teasing.

“Well… yes… but I didn’t think you would,” Ryu murmured, biting his lip.  “I mean… after all that I’d done…”

“Ryu!”

Sugi grasped him by the shoulders, making Ryu look up at his face.  “Should I still be mad?  Should I rail at you when you finally leave your wife and come back to me saying you were stupid, that you were wrong?  Maybe I should be too proud to accept that you can toss me around like this – if you want me, I’m here, but when you don’t want me, I have to go.”  He sighed and let go of Ryu.  “But I have no strength left to stay angry – and away from you…  I’m a selfish person, Ryu, and I have nothing left over to care about what others think is right or wrong.”

He stood up, pulling Sugi with him.  “Right now, all I want to do is… to taste you once again…”  His lips came down hard on Ryu’s and his arms went around Ryu’s thin frame.  Their mouths still sealed, they stumbled back to fall across the bed.

Ryu groaned as Sugi’s lips left his mouth to run down his neck and across his chest, tongue flicking out to lap at Ryu’s nipples as he passed.  He went lower and paused to suck at a spot at Ryu’s side where, if he didn’t remember wrongly, Ryu was especially sensitive.  The cry of pleasure emanating from Ryu confirmed his memory and he smiled satisfaction before descending lower still.

“Oh, god!… Sugi…”  Ryu’s fingers plunged into Sugi’s hair, holding his head firmly as Sugi took him in his mouth.  “Please… Sugi… I want to see your face…”  Tenderly stroking Sugi’s cheek, he said softly, “I want you inside of me…”

Sugi stiffened in surprise, while a joyous glow began diffusing through every fibre of his being.  “Really?”  In all the time they had been together, Ryu had never consented to ‘going all the way’.

Ryu nodded, the determination clear in his eyes.  “I told you already – I’m not afraid anymore.”

 Sugi moved up so that he was level with Ryu’s face, and lowered his lips to gently brush over Ryu’s.  “Thank you… aishiteiru, Ryu.”

 Ryu wound his arms around Sugi’s neck, bringing Sugi down to deepen the kiss.  “Aishiteiru…”

***

“Where in HELL can they be?!” J growled in frustration as he paced the room.  “They’re so bloody famous – how can they possibly disappear like that?!!”

“Apparently, Sugi sneaked out through an emergency exit that the reporters missed, went down a few blocks and caught a cab.  After that, nobody knows,” Shinya said thoughtfully.

“Don’t worry, Nagisa,” Ino tried to reassure Ryu’s pale-faced wife.  “I’m sure Ryu’s fine.”

She smiled, abnormally calm for a woman whose husband had gone missing.  “Yes, I’m sure he is.”

“Is there something we should know, Nagisa?” Shinya, who had been observing her for some time, asked suspiciously.

Nagisa’s head jerked up, and her face drained of even more colour.  “N-no, why would you think that, Shinya-san?”

“Because you don’t seem very concerned at all,” J added, approaching her with menace in his eyes.

Ino put his arm around Nagisa, who had shrank back against the couch, rubbing her shoulder soothingly.  “J, stop frightening her.  She’s stressed enough as it is,” he reproached.

“Damnit!!” J exploded, running his hands through his hair.  “Look, Nagisa, I’m sorry.  I’m just too worried—“

“They’ve gone back to where they began…”  Her voice was so soft Ino barely caught what her words.

“What?”

“Ryu and Sugizo-san – they’ve gone back to their place,” Nagisa repeated, her voice gaining strength as she spoke.  “Where they can be happy together.  That’s what Ryu told me before he left.”

“Where is this?” Ino asked urgently. 

She shook her head.  “I don’t know,” she replied fatalistically.  “But then, I don’t think I ever knew Ryu at all.  We weren’t meant for each other…”

An awkward silence ensued as the three men looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

Nagisa took a deep breath and forced another smile.  “Really, minna-san, I’m truly fine.  We, Ryu and I, came to this conclusion some time ago.  It’s just that I did not expect him to actually do _this_.”

“Do what?” Shinya asked, suddenly dreading to hear the answer.

"When I asked him what they would do if they couldn’t be together, he said that… Sugi told him they would walk into the sea…”

***

He squinted as the brilliant sunlight blinded him and burrowed further into the covers, reaching out for the warm body next to his.  But all he felt was empty sheets.  Poking his head out from the covers, he looked out the window to see a figure standing on the shore.  Relieved, Ryu lay back and stretched, letting the sound of the waves enfold him.

Getting out of bed, he picked up his shirt and pants, both having been strewn haphazardly around in their haste last night, and put them on, heat rushing to his face as he recalled what they had been doing.

He headed out the door, wincing slightly at the soreness he felt _there_ as he went down the steps.

He wouldn’t have exchanged this small pain for all the riches in the world.

As he approached Sugi, his lover turned around and held out his hand, a true smile illuminating the face that, to him, had always been perfect, ever since he saw first laid eyes on it twenty years ago.

He took the proffered hand and clasped it firmly, bringing it to his lips to kiss.  “I never forgot what you said,” he remarked, as Sugi drew him closer.

“What?” Sugi asked, nibbling on Ryu’s lower lip.

“You said… we could walk into the sea.” 

Sugi paused.  He had never heard Ryu sound so serene, and yet so full of hope.  He gave a sigh, resigned.  “I was always second to the sea, wasn’t I, Ryu?”

Ryu drew back, shocked.  “No!  Whatever made you think that?!”

“You loved it here,” Sugi pointed out.

“Because this place only belonged to the two of us.  Whenever we were here, your eyes were for me only,” Ryu explained, grinning.  “I’m selfish too, as you can see.”

“A match made in heaven.”  Sugi pulled Ryu close against him.

“Shall we, then?” he asked Ryu.

Ryu’s grip on his hand tightened, and he took the first step into the surf, letting it swirl around his ankles. 

Slowly, their hands linked firmly together, they went further and further into the ocean.

***

When their friends arrived – too late – to recover them from the sea, they were still in each other’s embrace.

  
  


  
_oh ! tell her_  
你是爱我  
不会离开我  
oh ! tell her   
你已经做了最好的选择  
oh ! tell her   
你我死後都会很快乐  
不为什么  
为活著  
我站在海边等著你  
举行这场婚礼  
如果不能自由在一起  
我宁愿自由地结束这生命  
我们走向深深海里  
看著彼此眼睛  
虽然知道已无法呼吸  
但我仍被你拥在怀里  
(口白)  
(虽然我们消失了)  
(但我们的爱还在)  
(永远不会停止)  
(永远坚强地生存)  
(没有人能阻止)  
(因为还有好多好多的我们)  
(用他们的方式)  
(替我们保存活著的爱)  
oh ! tell her   
我已和他解脱这路程  
oh ! tell her   
这么做是因为他值得  
oh ! tell her   
不想为爱苦得剩空壳  
她该知道  
我快乐  
我站在海边等著你  
举行这场婚礼  
如果不能自由在一起  
我宁愿自由地结束这生命  
我们走向深深海里  
看著彼此眼睛  
虽然知道已无法呼吸  
但我仍被你拥在怀里  
\----[范晓萱](http://www.4tmp3.com/mp3/cf/fanxiaoxuan/), 'tell her'


End file.
